FeaturedhighlightNewsReviewsSatire

REVIEW: Erstwhile Fartman Howard Stern Inspires Us All With His New One Man Show

Editor’s Note: There may be two things you’re asking yourself when reading the headline for this article. Who the fuck is Howard Stern or, if by some slim chance, you knew of him… how does this pertain to a Geek Website?

Well, Howard is a Geek himself. Back in the day, Howard used to watch episodes of Batman: The Animated Series with his stylist Ralph.

At the time, Howard took Superhero quizzes and inspired us Geeks by getting a lot of the answers correct. Back on June 1, 2000, Howard took a Superman quiz and nailed almost every Trivia question in the ‘Superman Millionaire Challenge.’ This was years after he created the genius character of Fartman!

He’s inspired a lot of geeks throughout the years and still maintains an incredible fanbase on forums like https://radiogunk.com, which actually has a ‘Radio Geek’ Forum active there, because Howard has inspired us all.

Sarah of Atlantis is back on our site with a review of a recently unearthed “Summit” Stern did back in 2013. A geek in her own right, she has previously provided us with reviews of Aquaman and Shazam!

Well, she agrees with us that this video was incredibly inspiring… so why this Summit didn’t make The Stern Show any better is ANYONE’S guess.

I’ll let her take it away from here, but here is a direct link to the video she’s reviewing first:

As a long time listener of the Howard Stern Show since 2017 , I’ve come to learn who and what makes great entertainment. Howard Stern is the Great One. And what he says, GOES.

With an audience of an estimated 155 million, even more if you consider how many people gather around the hearth to listen to tales of swinging and puppet shows while Pa plays the fiddle, Howard Stern is simply better than you.

Imagine my delight when I stumbled upon a video taped one man show Howard Stern performed back in 2013 for a private audience. This is a highly motivational presentation with the purpose of encouraging his office of characters to reach for the Hollywood Stars, literally.

Buckle up. While you’re driving around in your Hyundai, Stern’s rolling over the terrain in an Army tank, as he’s done with his competitors in every market for 40 years. He revolutionized broadcasting with the celebrity interview. When you are the best in the business, hell..when you created the business and are the King of Celebrity Armchair Psychology, you know what entertains your blue collar audience. Fascination with Gwyneth Paltrow and Cardi B’s current endeavors and career explosions keep your audience on the hook.

Part One of this gathering, appropriately referred to as a Summit by the King.. runs less than an hour. So much info is packed in to that small amount of time, your head will spin Robin.

We begin with the Commander surveying his troops on the field and then BOOM! WHOA! Right out of the box…as the battle-scarred, weathered buzzard hero wrapped in the skins of his fallen prey ascends the stairs to address his platoon, your heart starts beating rapidly. Here it comes. The Steps To Greatness. The General is here to start the Revolution of 2013.

He begins to map out his plan of war, showing us a dimly lit foxhole on the overhead of plans and strategies on simple post-it notes. But first you need soldiers who seek out clarity, direction and victory. He has it with this group. You have the Republican, the Country Bumpkin and The Token Fruit. All called upon to gather the high-end military weaponry. The celebrity. The celebrity takes on more of a non-speaking, co-starring role . Brad Pitt, Rush Limbaugh, Kevin Bacon. All clamoring to appear with Stern, but simply not asked or wooed appropriately.

It begins with something as simple as going packet crazy in 2013.

A simple pamphlet will get this process started along with video clips of newscasters, and scenes from the #1 family friendly movie, Private Parts. This brings on a touching and rather nostalgic moment of asking his soldiers to remind the lead singer of Pearl Jam, Kurt Cornell how much of a fan he is with a recording of him singing “Jeremy Spoke”. Also asking the late Layne Vedder to talk to his pal Kurt because they respect one another.

Providing a hearty breakfast and red carpet treatment is key to wooing a celebrity the proper way. Egg Beaters and soy sausage provide a much needed protein boost for a famous person seeking morning strength. How about some OJ to wash it down? Some Milk? Would you like some seer-rup on those whole wheat waffles? While Jenny Hutt encourages physical fitness during her interviews, Stern provides the nourishment.

Someone whose presence is felt but not mentioned is a red-headed sorceress behind the curtain who put together the presentation and helped map out the battles, along with a secret court who will have final say and grant the soldiers employment or sever ties forever if they fail.

We hear inspirational stories of turning simple peasants into hundred thousand-aires and saving the once-great Billy Corgan’s legacy. We also hear grandiose stories of Kevin Bacon being provided with free promotion for his new movie Footloose. And like his beautiful co-star Robin Quivers, he is an amazing mimic of voices, one time taking on a female voice to impersonate Animal Advocate Rachel Ray.

Not since Jimmy Valvano’s speech at the ESPY’s have I been so fired up for success in life. Over and over Stern drives his points home with powerful curse words. His soldiers are silent and enraptured. He shows no mercy at times while preaching to his calvary. This is his show. He is the star.

By the end, the Stern Soldier is newly aware of what makes a show work and what entertains the masses. It’s a call to arms not even General Patton could craft as well.

Leave a Reply